Back in the middle of one of the lockdowns (I forget which - it’s all becoming a bit hazy now as it recedes into the past), my brother-in-law Richard Crane gifted me a copy of a book called ‘The courage to be disliked,’ by Ichiro Kishimi and Fumitake Koga1. I wonder, was he sending me a message? Anyway, Richard told me that it was a challenging book. The blurb on the front cover said “How to free yourself, change your life and achieve real happiness.” Although I didn’t feel the need to do any of those things, I read the book and it was indeed both challenging and interesting. I wonder if the main points of the book could help you in your own life, both at work and at play?
The book takes the form of a discourse between two philosophers, a young and excitable one (who I imagine would be played by Tom Cruise in the film of the book) and an older and more experienced philosopher (Sean Connery, undoubtedly). The authors use the interplay of ideas between the two protagonists as a means to explain the life-model of Alfred Adler - often considered one of the ‘big three’ founders of psychotherapy, alongside Sigmund Freud and Carl Jung.
To cut to the chase, the 10 lessons that I took away with me from the book are as follows:
1. Live your own life. You can’t live anyone else’s life, only your own - so live your own life and don’t try to live anyone else’s (this seems obvious, but look around you and you will find plenty of people trying to live somebody else’s life);
2. Don’t live your life to please others (and have the courage to be disliked). This is potentially the most useful and challenging message of the book and the philosophy. You cannot be universally popular - despite your best efforts, someone will not like you. The Adlerian approach goes further - suggesting that you should discount what others think of you in deciding your own actions, even if that makes you unpopular or disliked. I wonder if Mr Putin has read this book?;
3. Recognise which life tasks are yours to undertake - and only do those tasks - and - Don’t try to undertake another person’s life tasks (for example which subject they should study, which partner they should choose, where they should live and how they should live their life);
4. ‘All problems are interpersonal problems.’ This is the ‘bedrock’ of the Adlerian approach and once again it’s a puzzler: What if your car breaks down - is that an interpersonal problem? Adler would say that there is an interpersonal problem at the root of that breakdown (for example, was it a manufacturing defect... brought on by an interpersonal problem between engineers perhaps?). He’s stretching his point here, I think;
5. Don’t either praise or criticise others. Again, a challenging point - everyone loves to get praise, and we have been conditioned from an early age to seek praise and external validation. Also, it is rare for people to welcome criticism (although one coach told me that ‘Feedback is the breakfast of champions.’). Adler would suggest that by either praising or criticising others we are in effect patronising them, placing ourselves above them (which he felt was more important to avoid than to grease the cogs of human interaction by giving a compliment every now and again - it is easier to argue against criticising others). His aim in neither praising nor criticising others was to...;
6. Aim for equal relationships with others, considering yourself neither above or beneath them;
7. Life has the meaning you give it. This is undoubtedly true - if you find validation in fishing, praising your God, running, working, raising a family, eating and drinking, surfing or a million other things, then you will feel that your life has meaning. A life with no meaning is a bleak prospect;
8. Essentially, you gain validation through helping others and being part of a community. Well, there are other ways to gain validation, but according to Adler, this is the one true way;
9. Try to find happiness in the here and now. Again, I agree strongly with this - life is too short to neglect to enjoy it now. It reminds me of the poem ‘Leisure’ by W. H. Davies2, which includes the line ‘A poor life this if, full of care / We have no time to stand and stare.’ That poem is worth looking up;
10. One final important point is Adler’s key saying, ‘Meanings are not determined by situations (aetiology), but we determine ourselves by the meanings we give to situations (teleology).’ If you have bad luck (or good luck), is it because you deserve it, or is it just chance? How you deal with it will define your outlook on life - your ‘meaning’ - and will ultimately decide the future course of your life.
Like I say, challenging, and yes, potentially life changing - but in a good way.
1 ‘The courage to be disliked,’ Ichiro Kishimi and Fumitake Koga
2 https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Leisure (poem)
